It seems like my attempts at being a parent are failing.The sting of resentment shows on my face every other week and its hard to hide my emotions. It took me a while, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ll never be number one in his eyes. I’ve accepted my role in this relationship as part-time parent, tutor, chauffer, counselor and full time fiance, friend, and chef. The more and more I try, the more and more they push back, resisting my requests and questioning my motives.
I’ve been affected by this relationship emotionally, mentally, and physically. I’ve taken on more responsibility in the last 8 months than some people do their whole lives. I went from living alone to a fiance, 3 kids every other week, and a second job. I have dreams and goals just like everyone else, so why do they stand in the way? Promises of a better life go unheard and I fight every day to be more understanding. I look back on the way my mother discilplined me and appreciate it. And now, God forbid you ground your children. You just hope they listen. There are only a few things I demand, respect and manners. Is that so difficult to teach or learn?
I’m finding out now that he might blame me if he doesn’t get custody of the kids. He tells me they might remember how “aggressive” I was with my words one day, or how mad I looked another day. I can’t help but feel helpless when they are around. Nothing I say or how I say it is ever good enough because I will never be MOM. He tells me that I may be the reason why the kids don’t want to come over on his weeks. That makes me feel very guilty. I don’t want to be the reason they don’t want to spend time with him. I don’t want to stand in the way, because that’s what I feel. Once again, I am willing to put my feelings aside to make sure he is happy. And his happiness might mean me being alone.

I don't have kids...so what?

The more and more I think about it, the more and more I wonder if I made the right decision. I have been in these kids' lives for almost three years now...how will it affect them if I walk away? What will they think? Part of me doesn't care...and part of me wants them to miss me and love me and want to hang out with me. Is that strange? I wish I could take things back sometimes because I don't feel a connection. I see tears and it doesn't rip my heart apart. I see a scrape and I have no sympathy. But I fight myself everyday to feel differently.

I try to have patience, to see things from a parent's eyes but I end up being resentful and knowing that if these were my kids then things would be very different...or would they? When someone says to you that you don't understand BECAUSE you don't have kids...it hurts. I was once a kid. I was once slapped in the face for talking back to my Mom...but now its called abuse. I was made to hold a small bar of soap on my tongue for saying a word my father thought was a cuss word, but now that's unacceptable. When will kids these days, kids with cell phones, laptops, ipods, and other gadgets, learn responsibility and accountability?? When will the punishment fit the crime? I get a kid talking back to me at least once a week and all I hear is that she is defending herself....well I'm not a school bully. I am one of two adults in the house. The only one adult who doesn't fall for the lies and manipulation. I see through it but am made to feel guilty about being "too aggressive". They don't know what NO means...but what happens when they grow up??

For years I had avoided all things children. I would avoid sitting next to families at restaurants, move seats at a movie theater, and even try to give the evil eye to any misbehaving children

that were in my line of site. It was never meant to be. I was destined to NOT have children and I passed my twenties with that in mind. I felt like I was robbed of my patience, held at gunpoint by my fears. I didn't follow that path, I wasn't financially stable, I wasn't ready. I sabotaged my relationships and ruined friendships. I used every excuse in the book and now karma is staring me in the face.

I knew that this would be the man I would marry from date #1. I didn't care that he had three kids from a previous marriage, I welcomed it. I wasn't worried about his living situation, I wanted to change that. I embraced everything that he was and wasn't because I felt like he was "the one". I waited patiently for him to come around. I never once revealed what I felt, because at that point he wasn't interested in anything serious. I dealt with only seeing him a few times a month the first three months we dated. I dealt with weekdays only because he had the girls on the weekends. I dealt with waiting patiently by the phone, hoping he would call or just stop by.

At some point he did finally come around but I got more than I bargained for. I realized that walking into his life, the life he knew and was accustomed to was going to be like walking on glass. Was I prepared for the fight? Was I prepared to be bloodied and ripped to shreds for the sake of love? Yes, because I knew that this was karma. I knew that somehow God wanted me to follow this path, to learn patience and love like I've never known before. This was my destiny and I had accepted it 1000%. I looked into the future like only a wife and mother could. I thought about homework and band practice, mowing the lawn, and having family parties at MY house.

Why now am I back-pedaling? Why now am I questioning my own loyalty to a life I haven't started living yet?