It seems like my attempts at being a parent are failing.The sting of resentment shows on my face every other week and its hard to hide my emotions. It took me a while, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ll never be number one in his eyes. I’ve accepted my role in this relationship as part-time parent, tutor, chauffer, counselor and full time fiance, friend, and chef. The more and more I try, the more and more they push back, resisting my requests and questioning my motives.
I’ve been affected by this relationship emotionally, mentally, and physically. I’ve taken on more responsibility in the last 8 months than some people do their whole lives. I went from living alone to a fiance, 3 kids every other week, and a second job. I have dreams and goals just like everyone else, so why do they stand in the way? Promises of a better life go unheard and I fight every day to be more understanding. I look back on the way my mother discilplined me and appreciate it. And now, God forbid you ground your children. You just hope they listen. There are only a few things I demand, respect and manners. Is that so difficult to teach or learn?
I’m finding out now that he might blame me if he doesn’t get custody of the kids. He tells me they might remember how “aggressive” I was with my words one day, or how mad I looked another day. I can’t help but feel helpless when they are around. Nothing I say or how I say it is ever good enough because I will never be MOM. He tells me that I may be the reason why the kids don’t want to come over on his weeks. That makes me feel very guilty. I don’t want to be the reason they don’t want to spend time with him. I don’t want to stand in the way, because that’s what I feel. Once again, I am willing to put my feelings aside to make sure he is happy. And his happiness might mean me being alone.